I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize