hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
