we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
