i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Damn victory sex feels great
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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