Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
