you traded sex for a burrito?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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