I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
