it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
