My balls are so social today.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
