I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
don't judge my taste in strippers
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
