wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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