4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
