The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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