WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
smell my finger.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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