i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
