HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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