I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
