And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
