i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
