Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
