When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
