Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
