He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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