do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
