Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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