I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
