half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
