Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
