I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
His nipple licking is glorious
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