I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
40s are totally the cure
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
