So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
