Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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