the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
whose parrot is this?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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