I met the friendliest cop last night
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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