im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
