Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
