Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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