i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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