I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
my poor anus
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
