plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
