Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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