I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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