does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
