I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
