I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
