Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
