remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
