i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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