I am in a vortex of obligation.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
