I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
