I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
