Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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