my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
