insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
