I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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