My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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